40. Gotta get that feeling

 

I can’t sleep so I lay awake listenin’ to the sounds of the city below
I get dressed and walk the streets but I got nowhere to go
Tonight it’s you I miss
Tonight my only wish is
Oh-oh, tonight

Someday we’ll be together
And the night will fall around us
This love will last forever
Someday you’ll be mine

Springsteen, Someday We’ll be Together

 

For me, life has always been a quest. I’ve been a seeker for the entire of my existence. And the thing I’ve been searching for is not hard to divine given the nature of this blog.

As a teen, while my friends talked endlessly about “getting laid”, I fantasized about finding that one soul, that woman who would look at me and truly see.

See what, you ask?

See me, the raw and naked I; flawed, damaged perhaps, but vital, and willing to pour all of myself into the vessel of the heart. At that time, and for many, many years after, it was a vain hope. I was not yet enough myself to be properly perceived by another; still caught as I was in the trap of seeking validation from others.

I did not love myself or like anything about who I was. How then could I ever have expected another to find in me a worthy object of their devotion?

We don’t recognize how incomplete we are until our souls begin to ‘fill out’. As life lends us experience and challenges to overcome, we begin to appreciate our own qualities and inner resources. Only at that point do we begin to become who we truly are.

That is when love; true, real, burning love, finds us. At least, that is when love found me.

After decades of uncertainty and self-doubt, I had finally reached an acceptance of myself and who I had become. I had acknowledged that after the second long-term relationship of my life had ended (rightly), I might just spend the rest of my life alone.

This prospect no longer frightened me. I was comfortable in my skin and happy in my own company. If that was to be it for me, if all the romantic relationships of my life were now behind me, then I was willing and able to live with that.

In truth, none of the relationships I had experienced had ever lived up to my internal expectations anyway. Perhaps it was better to live in solitude than in a state of constant disappointment.

Of course, that’s when she came.

She was a laser, blasting into my eyes all the way through to the back of my skull. She invaded my core and laid waste to all considerations of solitude or a quiet life. She found the kindling I had tucked away in my heart and set blaze to it.

In that instant, my quest, long delayed, found its goal. I had reached my golden El Dorado.

And I discovered that the quest itself is not purpose, but it can lead you to your life’s purpose. It can lead you home.

IMG_20151015_232232

 

The image used in this post is mine.

©2016

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10 thoughts on “40. Gotta get that feeling

  1. “This prospect no longer frightened me. I was comfortable in my skin and happy in my own company. If that was to be it for me, if all the romantic relationships of my life were now behind me, then I was willing and able to live with that.

    In truth, none of the relationships I had experienced had ever lived up to my internal expectations anyway. Perhaps it was better to live in solitude than in a state of constant disappointment.”

    I can just say that was where both my SO and I were mentally and emotionally, and as we have discussed numerous times, it is only because both of us, on our own, had reached that point, that we were able to finally be in authentic loving relationship.

    All what you say rings true.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You came along just when I had given up on real love. I had come to the conclusion that I was entirely too intense for another person to love completely. I knew I wasn’t going to change. I had spent a lifetime trying to become what other people wanted and I always rebelled in the end and all of my romantic relationships ended badly. Then one day you appeared. Nothing in my life had ever been so simple. I knew within days. It may sound impossible to most people, but I never had a doubt and you never said or did anything to cause me to hesitate for a moment. I realize now that I was simply ready and open to it. You always allowed me to be 100% me. In a lot of ways, you knew “me” before I knew myself. I believe I offered the same thing to you. I’ve never cared about flaws and imperfections, and in return, you’ve accepted all of mine. Those are my favorite parts. Finding you was like finding my very best friend from a long time ago. I knew you. I may not have ever met you, but I knew you. There is no more ‘looking’ for that thing you can’t quite put your finger on. This is that thing. I know what I have and it is more precious than anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I would imagine that however each of us puts it, it comes down to the fact that we find it at the right time. The other thing I realize for myself was that I wasn’t looking, actually. I was just living, and seeking to be mindful about it, and while I’d known Q, online, for four years, and there was so much in common, I didn’t consider that I’d met my ‘one and only’ until he walk through my door (sort of like the Purple Rose of Ciaro – walking off that tiny laptop screen, and materializing into my actual world). I have also come to understand that everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen – what came before and what happens after – and that everything happens at the rate at which it happens, no faster, and no slower. And hear I am on the threshold of 19 years after, and we’re still holding on to “The Promise” of love!

    As always, you’ve put it so well, and I’m so glad that I’ve found my way onto the storyboard of your love and life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the support and for sharing your own story with us.
      I’d always hoped that these posts might become a forum for others to share their views on love and other catastrophes.
      It is slowly beginning to happen, which pleases me greatly.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh yes.. learning to love everyone, including ourselves is not always easy. But seeing ourselves through the eyes of people we love, we see that we are worth!

    Liked by 1 person

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