I can’t sleep so I lay awake listenin’ to the sounds of the city below
I get dressed and walk the streets but I got nowhere to go
Tonight it’s you I miss
Tonight my only wish is
Someday we’ll be together
And the night will fall around us
This love will last forever
Someday you’ll be mine
Springsteen, Someday We’ll be Together
For me, life has always been a quest. I’ve been a seeker for the entire of my existence. And the thing I’ve been searching for is not hard to divine given the nature of this blog.
As a teen, while my friends talked endlessly about “getting laid”, I fantasized about finding that one soul, that woman who would look at me and truly see.
See what, you ask?
See me, the raw and naked I; flawed, damaged perhaps, but vital, and willing to pour all of myself into the vessel of the heart. At that time, and for many, many years after, it was a vain hope. I was not yet enough myself to be properly perceived by another; still caught as I was in the trap of seeking validation from others.
I did not love myself or like anything about who I was. How then could I ever have expected another to find in me a worthy object of their devotion?
We don’t recognize how incomplete we are until our souls begin to ‘fill out’. As life lends us experience and challenges to overcome, we begin to appreciate our own qualities and inner resources. Only at that point do we begin to become who we truly are.
That is when love; true, real, burning love, finds us. At least, that is when love found me.
After decades of uncertainty and self-doubt, I had finally reached an acceptance of myself and who I had become. I had acknowledged that after the second long-term relationship of my life had ended (rightly), I might just spend the rest of my life alone.
This prospect no longer frightened me. I was comfortable in my skin and happy in my own company. If that was to be it for me, if all the romantic relationships of my life were now behind me, then I was willing and able to live with that.
In truth, none of the relationships I had experienced had ever lived up to my internal expectations anyway. Perhaps it was better to live in solitude than in a state of constant disappointment.
Of course, that’s when she came.
She was a laser, blasting into my eyes all the way through to the back of my skull. She invaded my core and laid waste to all considerations of solitude or a quiet life. She found the kindling I had tucked away in my heart and set blaze to it.
In that instant, my quest, long delayed, found its goal. I had reached my golden El Dorado.
And I discovered that the quest itself is not purpose, but it can lead you to your life’s purpose. It can lead you home.
The image used in this post is mine.